Confessions of a New Mum - I LOVE being a Mum. But... | Motherhood
She tells Ted, through tears, that sometimes she wishes she wasn't a Mum. That while she loves being a Mum, and loves her baby son with all her heart, there are days where it's really hard. Days when she just wants to pack a bag and walk out the door.
|Lily confesses that she finds being a Mum really hard sometimes|
In the first few days and weeks with a newborn you're running on hormones and adrenaline. Despite the sleepless nights, the worry, the crying and the endless nappy changes, those hormones serve to keep you desperately in love. They fire-up a built-in, primal, instinctual need to care for your baby and protect them at all costs.
And while that instinct to love and protect carries on, the feel-good happy hormones eventually wear off. The ones that see you jumping out of bed at the slightest whimper in the middle of the night, with no thought other than to attend to your baby's needs. When those hormones are gone there are times when, upon hearing that whimper in the night, you might take a second longer to roll out of bed. There might be an internal grumble, where once there was nothing but joy.
|Blissing out on her first day of life|
It rears it's ugly head when you're at your wits end because you just don't know what to do for your baby. When the house looks like a bomb hit it and you can't find a clean dish or clean shirt to wear because your baby won't stop crying or let you put them down. It mocks you when you're lying in the dark, desperately trying to sleep but your mind won't switch off and your body is tensed, waiting for the sound of your baby's cry.
It makes you feel sick. It makes you feel incredible guilt. But when you've hit the end of your tether, sometimes there's just no stopping that thought from slipping through your mind.
I wish I wasn't a Mum.
I wish I would have heard more about the realities of being a Mum before I became one. Sure there's lots of funny posts around about the crappy things kids do and mothers have to deal with. But there's not a lot about the real emotional reality of being a mother, especially a first-time mother. About just how overwhelming it is, this massive change to your life.
|13 days in to being a brand-new Mum and the hormones were starting to wear off|
Can't believe that was only 2 years ago, feels like a lifetime! I guess it is in some ways!
I'd never heard anyone ever admit that sometimes they wished they weren't a Mum. That when the days were long, the nights blurred together and the baby wouldn't stop crying, that it all felt like too much. That they'd had reservations and thoughts that maybe being a parent was not a choice they should have made. I had no one tell me that it doesn't make me a bad mother for thinking those things. And that even though I might have a bad day, bad week, bad month, and think horrible things in my mind, I was not alone. Other mothers have felt the same way I have.
I wish I'd had someone tell me that even though the thought might cross your mind, it doesn't mean you love your kids any less. You're not wishing that they had never been born. You just wish that maybe someone else could be their mother in that moment. That maybe what you really need is just a break. A little time out for yourself.
I will tell my girls about the realities of being a Mum when they get older. That I love them with all of my heart. That I am so damn lucky and privileged to be their Mum. But being a Mum can be tough, it can be hard, it's a total shock to the system in those very first weeks and months. It takes time to adjust. I will tell them that there will be some days when they wish they weren't a Mum at all. But that's ok. Because in the split-second it takes to look at your beautiful baby that thought will fly out of your head and be replaced by a better one. A thought of love.
|It's seeing these smiles that chase the bad thoughts from your head and replace them with love!|
Now, with the benefit of hindsight, and the experience that comes from being a Mum for a while and surviving that first year, I don't think those thoughts make me a bad Mum. In fact I think they prove that I'm not a bad Mum because while they may fly through my mind at the height of frustration, those thoughts just prove to me that I would never, and could never, actually leave my babies. That being a Mum, despite the shit days, is really the best thing in my world.
I love being a Mum. I wouldn't change it for the world. It's just some days I don't like being a Mum.And that's OK.
I recorded this as we headed home after our holiday in November. It got worse. Much worse. If I didn't laugh I would have cried. I almost did!
Linking up this confession with Essentially Jess for IBOT.
You can read more of mine and other mothers confessions by clicking on the titles below. If you'd like to make your own confession you can shoot me an email to kylie(@)kyliepurtell(.)com
Confessions of a New Mum Part One - Learning Curves and 'Un'Enjoyment
Confessions of a New Mum Part Two - Stitched Up
Confessions of a New Mum Part Three - The Part-time SAHM
Confessions of a New Mum Part Four - Mum Appreciation
Confessions of a New Mum Part Five - Losing My Confidence
Confessions of a New Mum - Kelly from Handmade Tears and Triumphs (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Bron from Big Brother, Little Sister & the Baby (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Jenn from Mountains & Musings (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Sophie from iSophie (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Housewife in Heels (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Holly from Good Golly Miss Holly (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Mez from Listen Sookie (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Emily from Have A Laugh on Me (Guest Post)
My first mothers group was really open with the struggles, that we all decided the book was what you aimed for, but it didn't really happen - and we all felt better as a result. My second mothers group, only me and another second time mum would admit the kids didn't sleep etc - and I think the first time mums seemed to feel a little more isolated in their struggles. To what end does that do anyone any good?
Great post Kylez
I have been daydreaming about having a whole day off again, and imagine a night away with the girls? They're luxuries to look forward to again, another day.
I see so many of my friends wanting to start a career in motherhood. They see me out and about at social gathering looking clean, and with it and think she's doing great, she's totally where I wanna be. They don't know I'm pretending! They don't know what it's taken to get there or how out of wack or tired we're going to be in the days following. It's a beautiful job but completely all absorbing and you cannot imagine that intensity until you're in the thick of it.
Thank you for sharing these words. They speak to me and I know they will to many others too.
Thanks for linking up with us at The Lounge!
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