Confessions of a New Mum - Part Five - Losing My Confidence | Motherhood

There have been quite a few days lately where I've been questioning whether or not I'm really cut out for this job of 'Mum'.

I'm generally a fairly confident person. And even when I am not feeling confident in myself or my abilities I generally try to at least project that I am confident because I know from experience that you really can fake it till you make, so to speak. When other people see me having confidence in myself they tend to then have confidence in me, which then in turn boosts my confidence in myself. If that makes sense.

So it's hard to admit that I really don't know what the hell I am doing when it comes to being a Mum. To admit that
I find it hard.

I am always the last to admit that I don't know something, I HATE to admit that I don't know it all. So it's even harder to admit, not just that I don't know what I'm doing, but that I don't actually have confidence in my ability to be a Mum

frustration in motherhood
I love her so much but the sooking is hard to take by the end of
a week of Dave being on arvo shift and doing it alone.
I salute the single Mum's out there, I don't know how they do it.
My own mother, Dave, anyone that knows me slightly well, will testify to the fact that I am not a very patient person. I never have been. I get annoyed easily and I have a temper. It's something that I have tried to work on over the years with varying degrees of success.

Since becoming a Mum my patience and temper have been tried in ways I never thought possible, and to be completely honest with you, I have failed miserably. There have been times when I have gotten so frustrated and angry with Punky when trying to get her to go to sleep that I have had to walk out of the room, lest I scream in her face. Some days it is just so hard to keep a rational and calm mind when she's been crying and sooking for hours and she just won't stop and she just won't go to sleep and I am oh so tired. It's mostly when Dave is on afternoon shift at work (like right now) and I am on my own every afternoon and evening for the week, usually for a few weeks to a month at a time (he is home on the weekends) with no-one to tag team with me, no-one to take the baton after 15 minutes so I can have a breather and calm myself for the next round.

The other day I was so angry and frustrated that I walked out of her room, slammed the door behind me and went and threw a shoe at the wall. Throwing shoes is not something new. I tend to throw them when I am angry. At walls, lounges. Occasionally they miss and go through windows (it happened one time and I swear to God I was not trying to throw them at the window, I was honest to God aiming for the lounge!).

It took me about 5 minutes of severe talking to myself to calm down and get a straight enough head to be able to go in there and talk to her kindly and lovingly. And afterwards, once she has finally gone to sleep, all I feel like doing is crying. Because I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I am so very angry at myself for not being able to stay calm, for not having the patience that I so sorely and desperately need and want.

The thing that scares me though, is not that I will harm her, because I know when I am getting frustrated and am able to walk out of the room or remove myself so that I can calm down. No, the thing that scares me is that she will resent me for getting angry at her. That my temper, and having to walk out of a room and leave her crying for minutes on end, will in some way effect her emotionally and one day she will grow to resent me and not know how much I really do love her.

I know in my head that at this age she isn't going to remember much, but it's hard to tell that to my heart. And what about as she gets older? I am working on the patience and temper but it is a long, slow process and I know there is definitely going to be many times down the track when she will try my patience and temper worse than she does now. I am honestly scared about how hard it is going to be as she gets older and tests the boundaries and tries to assert herself. If she is anything like I was growing up I am in for a hell of a time!

I feel as though I really am not cut out for this motherhood gig sometimes, that Mothers should be patient and calm and slow to anger. I'm not any of those things and I am so scared that my impatience and anger are going to let us both down in the long run. 

Previous Confessions...
Confessions of a New Mum Part One - Learning Curves and 'Un'Enjoyment
Confessions of a New Mum Part Two - Stitched Up
Confessions of a New Mum Part Three - The Part-time SAHM
Confessions of a New Mum Part Four - Mum Appreciation
Confessions of a New Mum Part Five - Losing My Confidence
Confessions of a New Mum - Kelly from Handmade Tears and Triumphs (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Life with a seriously ill baby (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Sleep Deprivation does crazy things to the mind (Guest Post)

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Unknown said…
Kylie I have to admit I had a little cry while reading this because I think all mums know how you feel. With Viriya (20month) starting tantrums and saying no it is really pushing me to breaking point and I have a horrible temper too. Plus with another baby I'm sleep deprived like you would believe. But you are doing the right thing just walk away, its what ever mum and book will tell you to do. My partner grew up in an abusive household and I can say right now I know which one mia would prefer. She loves you and you can easily see it and she will never resent the fact that you loved her enough to walk away and calm down first! Keep strong and give yourself a little credit you're doing a great job as a mum!
Rhianna said…
Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely. When Miss 11 was a baby we had endless sleep battles. There was only her and I at the time, I remember sitting outside her room one night crying as hysterically as her because I was so frustrated I just didn't know what to do. I was trying so hard to do everything 'right' In the end the right thing turned out to lay with her till she gently drifted off, which before long would happen after about ten minutes of laying down. It is so hard being a mum. Trust your heart and all will be well. xx
Oh gosh, I think most of us have been there. It's great that you walk away. Parenting can be so hard. I am sure you show her loads of love as well, so I am sure she feels your love.
Kel said…
You walk out of the room, that's not failure darlin', that's success. Knowing that you need to take 5 to calm down is what makes you a good mother. Knowing that yelling at her, or shaking her, or anything, is far worse than walking out and taking a breath. You've got it in the bag xx
Mandie said…
I've been there, many a time. You're anything but a failure. You walk away and throw a shoe, I walk away and stand in out courtyard (where she can't hear me, but the rest of the neighbourhood probably can!!) and let out a yell every now and then. Failure? No. Totally normal? Yep :) x
belinda said…
Lets look at this reasonably objectively rather than through the lens of mumma guilt.

What are these interactions teaching Mia ...

1) Everyone has emotions and sometimes they're so overwhelming that a few minutes to regroup is
2) Expressing our emotions, appropriately, allows us to move forward and get on with the
necessities of life
3) When everything has hit boiling point lashing out, either physical or verbal, at inanimate
objects is always more appropriate than lashing out at people
4) Loving someone isn't always easy but, if they love you back it is always worth it.
5) When you love someone you want to give them your best self but sometimes, in the moment, that
person is on holiday. That is the time to take responsibility for your personal behaviour
and protect those you love from your excesses

I'm sure there are more but these are the ones that sprung to mind as I was writing.

Be generous to yourself cause life is designed to challenge us in ways we never expected to be challenged.

Kind Regards
Sim said…
I've been known to loudly tell my screaming baby to stop screaming, which by the way was completely counterproductive, but in the heat of the moment and with very little sleep, it was my way of coping with the situation. Oh, and don't get me started on how toilet training tested every single ounce of my patience both times I went through it. Everything those books tell you about remaining calm and positive meant nothing to me as I was cleaning poo out of the shagpile carpet from a little person who had just refused to sit on the toilet. But even though my patience is sometimes thin and my temper is not always kept in check, my children know that I love them unconditionally because there is definitely a whole lot more of the kisses, cuddles and words of encouragement than the other stuff. It also constantly surprises me just how forgiving my little people are, one minute I am frustrated beyond belief with the bickering and whinging and the next they are hugging me and telling me they love me. I must be doing something right and I have no doubt you are doing a whole lot of right too!
Grace said…
Oh, hon! I so know where you're coming from!!! I'm not a patient person by nature either.
I remember when the twinlets were still 4 months old and I couldn't get them to stop crying and go to sleep, I walked out of the room, into the laundry and kicked the washing machine!
And like Ms Mandie and as others who have commented before me said, it's totally, TOTALLY normal!
You're doing an awesome job. You really are. x
You're doing just fine. This mothering business is bloody hard and we all get like this. These things are always made easier when we are not tired, so try to factor in some time for yourself (easier said then done I know). And if all else fails - breath - deeply, very, very deeply! Lol
Oh and that is a gorgeous little grumpy face right there :-)
Anonymous said…
Don't stress darling. We are all human. It's ok to feel like you do, you need to give yourself a break. And a cup of tea...and maybe an icecream
E. said…
I think many parents feel the same way and at various times. But everyone does their best. Your love for Mia shines through in your posts and photos. It's okay to acknowledge your frustrations too. It just means you are human.

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