Confessions of a New Mum - Guest Post by Emily from Have a Laugh On Me | Motherhood

This is the eighth guest post from other bloggers about their memories of being a new Mum. If you would like to write a post for this series let me know in the comments or send me an email to kylie(@)kyliepurtell(dot)com

Today I have an awesome guest post by the one and only Emily from Have a Laugh On Me. I love Emily's blog, it never fails to entertain me and put a smile on my face. She has written an awesome post for me today about something that isn't always mentioned in antenatal classes... the dreaded 'ring of fire'. I can totally empathise with this because I know that burning feeling, and the joy of being stitched up afterwards!

Love - is a burning thing - and it makes - a fiery ring - I feel in to a burnin' ring of fire.

Who knew the late, great country singer Johnny Cash was so clued up on conception and childbirth - or more to the point the burnin' ring of fire that is 'crowning'.

Yep I'm talking about the intense searing pain that comes when your child attempts to escape your vjayjay.

Why the hell didn't someone prepare me for this part of childbirth
- to me it was the most horrific surprise during labour. All those ante-bloody-natal talks, jam scones and anatomically correct babies and not one mention about the intense pain you will have to endure to eject your bun from the oven.

For everyone else in the birthing room crowning is an exciting stage of labour because they can see the head. But then as the head crowns and then goes back, crowns and then goes back, the feeling is indescribable. The memory sends a shiver down my spine (and I've just crossed my legs).

I remember wanting to go all vampire and climb up the wall, but I was too busy reinventing new swear words and sucking back gas to do diddly squat.

Admittedly I didn't have this pain with my first birth because I was all like 'I don't need to experience pain to have a baby' and had an epidural at about 5cm. After about two hours (I was watching All Saints re-runs) they told me I was fully dilated and it was time to push.

They turned down the drip, I pushed without really knowing what I was doing because I could hardly feel much pain and then POP out came No.1! Honestly it was pretty easy really, thanks to the epi, which also came in useful when my doctor did a very untidy sew-up job down below.

Emily with Baby No. 1
I was pretty cocky when it came to the birth of my second and thought I'd try the drug-free option. I was 10 days overdue so had to be induced, cue gel, and then more gel and then break waters and then HOLY SHIT I'm in full on labour motherf*#kers.

Once the contractions started to ramp up I started sucking in gas like it was oxygen, at one stage my midwife suggested I take a break - I think I might have flipped her the bird and tried to kick her.

Walking around half nude and not caring who wanted to see my 'progress', I screamed, breathed and panted my way to about 7cm and was literally dying in the ass, begging for pain relief but of course it was too late.

I can't remember what happened in between 7cm and pushing, I was delirious with pain and telling the Husband I had had enough and didn't want to do it anymore. Then that sensation came when you feel like pushing, for those of you have been there I don't need to explain it, for those lucky bastards who haven't - it's kinda like you're a trying to poo out a bowling ball and you have no control over it.

Stupidly I had stopped sucking back gas because quite frankly I couldn't even hold the bloody tube. My screams of agony would've been heard across the entire ward, I held nothing back and out came my precious baby boy through a burnin' ring of fire at 6.04pm.

Emily with Baby No. 2
Out came the sewing machine again and I felt every stitch because I was too consumed cuddling my baby to remember to inhale gas - not something I'd recommend folks.

For my third I was pretty sure he'd come fast and so I thought I'd go the no-drug option again - I also liked not having a needle in arm and a tube where the sun doesn't shine.

I was induced (my choice) with No.3 and I spent most of the time in a hot shower, rolling around on a fitball and again hanging out with Mr Portable Laughing Gas, who ain't so funny at 9cm dilated.

Having given birth three times I was pretty much left alone by the midwives, in fact it was just after one of their fleeting visits that I felt the sudden urge to push. I told the Husband I was about to give birth in the shower so could he haul my nude ass back into the room.

Except I wasn't actually speaking to him, I was pointing to my vjayvay, rolling my eyes and grunting - lucky he's fluent in 'psycho wife in middle of childbirth' and quickly got someone. They arrived just in time to catch my bonny boy on the way out.

Emily with Baby No. 3
I won't lie and say the burnin' ring of fire was any less horrific third time around. I was smart though and did ask for a numbing injection for when the needle and thread came out for some more running repairs.

And would I do it again? NO WAY IN HELL

Do I wish I had three pain-free births? Surprisingly no, I honestly feel that childbirth has changed me as a person. I feel like I can attempt to do anything and while at times I know it would be easier to give up or not even try, I know if I push myself I will be able to get through any challenge - or ring of fire - in front of me.

You can check out Emily's fabulous blog here, her facebook here, and twitter here.

Confessions of a New Mum Part One - Learning Curves and 'Un'Enjoyment
Confessions of a New Mum Part Two - Stitched Up
Confessions of a New Mum Part Three - The Part-time SAHM
Confessions of a New Mum Part Four - Mum Appreciation
Confessions of a New Mum Part Five - Losing My Confidence
Confessions of a New Mum - Kelly from Handmade Tears and Triumphs (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Bron from Big Brother, Little Sister & the Baby (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Jenn from Mountains & Musings (Guest Post)

Confessions of a New Mum - Sophie from iSophie (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Housewife in Heels (Guest Post)

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Kylie Purtell said…
The old ring of fire, I remember it well.... Though, with my second, once they broke my waters I went from 3cm to fully dial ted in 15 minutes, and out she popped after 5 minutes if pushing, so thankfully that fiery sensation didn't last long!
Kylie Purtell said…
I honestly LOVED the pushing part - finally there was some REAL ACTION! And, because I'd had 2 c-sections, I was kind of pleased to feel the burning ring of fire. It meant it was actually happening, no one was going to slice my guts open this time, so I was pretty grateful.
Loved your story Em, always good for a laugh :)
Kylie Purtell said…
Wow I love reading birth stories. I gave birth via c-section so never felt any of these pain or emotions when giving birth, and nice to read experiences from mothers who had.

Ai @ Sakura Haruka
Kylie Purtell said…
I must be one of the fortunate ones, don't remember the burning ring of fire. Epidural with birth #1, gas only birth #2. Emily, you always manage to make me laugh!
Kylie Purtell said…
Glad to hear that the memory does fade Janet :) Em
Kylie Purtell said…
Thanks Ai, I do have a version where I don't moan about the pain as much but this one is more interesting I reckon! Em x
Kylie Purtell said…
You will be the envy of many a women Kel, I know my friend was desperate for a VBAC but it just didn't happen. GO YOU :) Although I still think you're slightly mental for loving ring of fire, wonder if you'd think that 3rd time around! Em xx
Kylie Purtell said…
Wow that second birth sounds nice and swift Amy, and shorter is sweeter when it comes to birthing I reckon. Em
Kylie Purtell said…
I was told about the ring of fire, but didn't experience it with my first two because of the epidural. When the ring of fire happened in the ambulance with Miss A and only 1 panadol for pain relief, I was glad I'd been told about it! I actually thought: "aah, that's what they meant." I remember it feeling like a kind of burning, but then just relief that she was out!
Kylie Purtell said…
Very honest and very funny! Strange how so many of us keep on going back for more pain time and again. I had 3 caesers though, so no ring of fire - just a whole lot of other unappealing and unsightly things to whinge about. Lucky they're three damn cute kids.
Kylie Purtell said…
Ouch! I didn't want to remember that pain!! I had 4 natural births, no pain relief. #4 seriously almost killed me with pain!
Kylie Purtell said…
Two natural births with only pethadine as pain relief. Hell will freeze over before I do that again. Shitting a bowling ball is right on.
Kylie Purtell said…
You are brave. I had an epidural for my second, and will probably go this option for any future children!
Kylie Purtell said…
And you my friend in heels, are SMART!! Em
Kylie Purtell said…
And there are no medals at the end for having a drug-free birth either! I'm also done with this birth bizzo muma
Kylie Purtell said…
Most of my friends had caesers, either emergency or planned, so I know some of the unappealing things you have had to deal with - it's another whole sort of pain right there! x
Kylie Purtell said…
I felt like that with my 3rd Soph - no way I'd go back for 4th, but not because of pain factor in literal sense, but the pain in the ass factor of having more little kiddies to pack tantrums at me!
Kylie Purtell said…
Yes that relief when they're out is so amazing, I could quite happily lived without knowing what the ring o fire felt like!

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