Capturing ME in 2018 | Life
It's not that I don't love my family, but there is something to be said for going away and getting some distance. I've come back feeling calmer and much more appreciative of Dave and the girls. Coming home to a spotless house thanks to Dave has also had me feeling pretty happy!
While away on the Gold Coast we talked all things photography, spent some time in self-reflection in regards to our work, and drank lots of wine! There were many laughs and 2am D&Ms, and I've come away from the long-weekend with some fabulous new friends and loads of inspiration.
One surprising thing to come out of the getaway was a bit of an emotional breakthrough in regards to myself and getting in front of the camera. I've long-admired those women who felt confident enough to put themselves in the frame, but I've always shied away from it myself, with the excuse that I'm too lazy and it's too much effort.
I've come to realise though that my reluctance to get in the frame runs much deeper than that. As I wrote on Instagram when I returned...
"After being away on retreat the last few days I’ve realised that my reluctance goes much deeper than that and relates to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and lack of self-confidence that up until a few days ago I was too scared to admit, even to myself. If I’m being completely honest about it, I haven’t felt worthy enough of putting myself in front of the lens. I’ve hidden behind my camera in an effort to escape those feelings and issues and it wasn’t until I listened to my beautiful friend Claire talk about self-portraits and photographing women that I finally acknowledged those feelings."
|Late night portrait of an insomniac|
As I've come to understand, getting in the frame is as important to me as it will be in the future to my girls. And not just getting in the frame with them, but getting in the frame by myself. I place a high value on documenting my girls and their lives, but up until now I've placed no value on documenting my own life as a woman & mother.
If I want to teach my girls about self-love, self-respect & self-worth I first need to learn all of those things myself, and after the retreat I've realised that self-portraiture can be a way to explore those things. I can document the process for my girls and show them through those images that it's okay to be vulnerable. The images I create don't need to be shared beyond my own house, and they don't have to be perfectly posed and lit.
|I figured it wouldn't get any easier with the waiting, so the day after the retreat I jumped straight in with these two photos taken in the kitchen with the girls (because children don't respect emotional breakthroughs and just want to play!)|
Through these images I can leave a record for my girls, for myself and for the world that says I was here, I am and I was, and I'm enough.
Do you find it difficult to put yourself in the picture?