If I die tomorrow... | Kylie Purtell - Capturing Life

Thursday, 10 April 2014

If I die tomorrow...

I was looking in my desk for a notebook on Tuesday night. I have so many, I've been obsessed with stationery for a very long time (why oh why were there no stationery stores around when I was a teenager?!) and I knew that I would most likely have an unused one somewhere.

I found a nice purple one that looked fresh. One I got from work when we had excess samples. I pulled it out and grabbed a pen, thinking to utilise it for making notes on some of the design stuff I've been doing for my own blog and others.

When I opened it to the first page I discovered that it had in fact been used. What I found written on the first two pages surprised me. I'd completely forgotten writing those words. But as I read them, all of the thoughts and emotions I'd felt at the time came rushing back to me.

I found that notebook not long after I read the news of Peaches Geldoff's death. I don't know a lot about her and haven't followed her life or career. But what I do know is that she left behind two very small boys. My heart breaks for those boys, when I think about them growing up without their mother.

Life is such an unpredictable thing. It's easy to take it for granted, even though we know it can be taken from us in a second. Hearing the sad news of her passing, and of the shock death of another blogger's husband on the weekend, it reminded me once again of how precious this life really is.

What I found when I opened that notebook was a letter I'd written to Zee, exactly one week before she was born. At the time I was really struggling with the prospect of being induced and just feeling so desperate to meet this baby I'd carried around for 40 weeks to the day. I remember writing a similar letter to Punky, 3 days before she was born.

Punky's letter carries with it the expectation of motherhood. I talk a lot about how much I can't wait to meet her, the hopes and dreams I have for her, my hopes of being the perfect mum. I love that letter, and I know she will one day too. I love it because I can see myself standing on the precipice of motherhood, about to step off in to the unknown, having no idea what I was really getting myself in to.

The letter I've written to Zee carries with it the experience of motherhood....
"Before your sister was born I was so incredibly nervous. I had no idea what to expect and I worried so much about being the perfect mother."

What I didn't know before Punky was born was just how hard some aspects of motherhood would be. I also couldn't fully comprehend the joy and pure, unfettered love I would feel towards my child. It changed me, in a way no other event in my life has or could.

But when I wrote that letter to Zee I was more realistic about what to expect...
"I know I can't be the perfect mum. But I hope that no matter what, you will love me as much as I love you.  Know that even when it didn't seem like it, I tried my very best to be the mum that you need."

That sums up my journey of motherhood so far. If there is one thing I want my girls to know, especially as they get older, it's that.

Everything I do for them, I do with love. All I can do is promise I'll try my best for them. That I do try my best for them. And that I loved them. Before they were born I loved them.

And when I'm gone, I'll love them still.

If I die tomorrow, that's what I want my girls to know.

Find me here:


  1. That's a wonderful quote. I seem to have missed that news but will get on to donating...

  2. You're beautiful. The love you have for your girls is evident in every fibre of your being. I heard about this tragedy today. Just heartbreaking.

  3. I'm sure they will. You've been showing it every single day so I'm sure they know.
    A very lovely post my dear..

    Ai @ Sakura Haruka

  4. Beautiful, it's got me all teary. I think all we ever want as parents is for our kids to know how much we loved them. But they can never know, because it takes becoming a parent to understand that kind of love. The best thing about (young) kids is that they think the best of you no matter what. xo

  5. Oh, Kylie. I'm getting all teary. I think as parents we can get so carried away with the peripherals and forget what truly matters. It's a hard gig this parenting thing. Hardest thing I've ever done. But the most emotionally rewarding. My deepest condolences go out to Janine and her family x

  6. You have me tearing up to. Beautiful post sweetie. My heart is breaking for Janine and her family. Xx

  7. Lovely words. I really should write this sort of stuff down so I can remember all this stuff I think up. Especially while the pregnancy hormones are flowing.......

  8. What beautiful words to find Kylie - I get so upset when I think about Peaches and also Janine and what she must be going through. I just dont want my kids to ever have nothing more to remind them of me than words on paper, I only hope I get to tell them in person for many many years xx

  9. Love this post. Do thoughtful and honest. We all want to be the best parents we can be, although some days are harder than others. What a great idea to write a letter before your kids were born and to revisit these emotions later is just lovely

  10. Love this Kylie. I want my kids to know that about me too. I'm certainly not perfect. So far from it. But I do try. I can try harder some days, but I do try.

  11. Gorgeous post Janine. It really makes you to stop to smell the roses x

  12. Oh my, how great is the love for our kids. Heart wrenching. I made heaps of mistakes, guilt. But you know what, I am humbled when my grown up boy hugs me and says 'I love you'. I am SO fortunate xx

  13. Lovely post Kylie - it is so good to have the written proof of how you have grown as a mother and person. And you words, written now, will endure, along with the love you have for your kids, no matter what happens in our unpredictable lives.

  14. It is scary to think that we might not be here tomorrow to tell our kids how much we love them. I used to write notes for them when they were younger. Thanks for the reminder, I will go back to writing more every now and then. Lovely post!

  15. Oh my, this made me cry. I feel EXACTLY the same about my two girls. I really do try my best and I will love them to the ends of the earth.


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