Struggle Street and the return of Anxiety // Life | Kylie Purtell - Capturing Life

Friday, 6 June 2014

Struggle Street and the return of Anxiety // Life

I posted last week about how Laughter is the best medicine, and it really is true. But what's also true is that sometimes you can't always laugh, and sometimes what you need to do is have a good cry. What I need right now is a good cry, and I just haven't got the time to do it.

I'm really struggling with everything that is going on in my life right now. It's hard. What has happened to Mum is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. My entire family are struggling to come to terms with what has happened.

I know in the long-term, big-picture way that things will be ok. That we will get Mum well and eventually, hopefully, things will go back to some kind of new normal.

But in the short-term?

It's really fucking hard.

Last Wednesday I got a message from Mum that I never want to have to see again. All it said was "I need help". I won't go in to detail as I intend on making an official complaint to the hospital, but suffice to say, the treatment that Mum received, or didn't receive as the case may be, was nothing short of professional negligence.

It has left all of us scared to leave Mum alone in the hospital. To leave her by herself. Not knowing if she is being looked after properly is the hardest part at the moment.

Knowing that Mum hasn't had the support she needs and deserves when it comes to mentally and emotionally dealing with the trauma that she has been through has left me feeling physically ill most days.

I am so close to having a full-on anxiety attack for the first time in about 15 years.

I'm torn between wanting to be at the hospital all the time, and needing and wanting to be with the girls. I want to be a good daughter but I also want and need to be a good mother. I can't be 100% with either Mum or the girls and it's breaking my heart.

What Mum is going through, the pain, the suffering, trauma and shock, it's really had to watch. Really fucking hard.

I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. I know my sisters, my brothers-in-law, my Step-Dad, anyone who is close to Mum really, is feeling the same way.

My head knows that we will get through this. We will sort everything out.

My heart is exploding and terrified and can't figure out how any of this is going to be ok. How any of us, especially Mum, will be the same again.

I just want it to stop. I don't want Mum to be in hospital. I don't want her to have to be going through this. I don't want to feel sick and scared and worried every time I leave the hospital. I don't want to be lying awake at night wondering if she is ok, is she being looked after. Can she reach her water? Is she in pain?

I want to be there to hold her hand when she wakes in the middle of the night. I want to be here to hold my girls when they wake in the middle of the night.

I want to be a good daughter. I want to be a good Mum. And it's so hard to do both at the same time.

It's so fucking hard!


  1. I have a thing or theme songs. Always have, probably always will. I've even blogged about my soundtrack of life. At the moment by blog's theme song seems to be 'Losing my Religion'.

  2. You'll always be there for your girls & they know that. But your mum will only be incapacitated for a short time, so let yourself be there for her & don't feel quilty. The girls are welcome for a sleep over any time. Do what you gotta do to push through & I'm here for whatever you need. Love you xx

  3. Dear Kylie, this is incredibly understandable but...who is taking care of Mum's case via WHS? Mum's accident was at work, yes? Then there are services and people who can provide more support. I am not sure of the specifics but find out, if you can, the name of her company's or workplace's
    wHS insurer. No-one need be in psychological hell (mum) whilst trying to battle such HUGE physical injuries. I know you may have to wait for the long weekend to be over but there should be further support systems in place. Is there a reason why Liverpool Hospital for instance? Are you all travelling so much this is a hardship.
    Please email me if you want to chat. Denyse xx
    No-one is saying any of this is easy but with a workplace accident, in particular, there are legislative obligations. Ring

  4. That's just shocking that your mum isn't being looked after properly. I really feel for you and your family and not sure what to suggest. Can you do up a roster with friends and family so that for the majority of time, someone is there with your mum? Thank goodness she was able to text you.

    Be easy on yourself and perhaps if you can book some counselling for yourself, it might help you help your mum.

    Thinking of you. Wish I was closer and could offer practical help.

  5. Focus on your mum. Your girls will understand. I agree with Raychael, maybe a roster with the family to be with your mum is good thing to consider.
    I know I can't do anything to help but my thoughts are with you and I'm sending all the positive vibes I can.
    Make sure you take care of yourself as well!! xx

  6. I'm so sorry your mum isn't being looked after the way she should be. Has the hospital got a social worker that can help mediate between your mum and family, and the doctors and nurses to ensure your mum gets the care she needs? If definitely sounds like an official complaint is warranted. The roster system that Mystery Case mentioned sounds like a practical way of ensuring someone is with your mum, making sure she is being looked after.

    While it may not feel like it, from the sounds of things, you ARE being a good daughter, and you are being a good mother. It can be hard to see it when you feel stretched so thin though. I hope everything settles in the very near future.

  7. What an awful situation Kylie. These next few months will be tough for your Mum and your family but I know you will get through it.

  8. Oh Kylie, that would be so hard. I'm so sorry that your mum isn't getting the care she deserves and the stress that is placing on all of you at the moment. You can only do so much and unfortunately you can't be in two places at once. Try to be kind to yourself and don't forget to look after yourself too x

  9. Kylie I'm so sad to read this, for both you and your mum. You're in such a hard place, but you're doing a wonderful job looking after everyone. Make sure you don't forget yourself xx

  10. Oh dearest Kylie. You are an amazing Mumma, a brilliant daughter, a beautiful person. I wish that this journey wasn't without the twists and bends. I wish it were easier. I wish it were over sooner. Sending all of the love and hope and healing and energy and light I can muster to you, and yours. X

  11. Hang in there sweet girl. You are a good daughter and you are a good mum!!!!! I'm so sorry things are so tough right now and I really hope they start to get easier soon. Sending a huge big virtual hug for you xxx

  12. Oh your poor Mum. I hope it was nothing serious. Hospitals aren't a place that you want to be. Hope she can get out soon so you don't have to feel the need to worry x

  13. Nothing that a chat from the social worker to the nurses couldn't fix. Still, we are making sure she always has someone there to be with her and it's made us all a lot less anxious xx

  14. Thank you. Once we get a few answers about what happens next I think the path will be clearer xx

  15. Thanks Lisa. I have plans to have a bit of a girls night for my birthday next week so I am most definitely looking forward to that! Xx

  16. I know if we stick together things will most certainly be easier. Now if we can just get the next step sorted it will be another weight lifted. x

  17. We've definitely even, making sure that there is someone with her at all times. Eases the mind a but that's for sure. I think once we can get her in to the rehab hospital and know that she is being helped to gain back some mobility it will be even better. xxx

  18. My sisters and I have been coordinating things to make sure that ere is someone with her the majority of the time and it has definitely been helping. She is doing much better this week, in fact I think we are all doing much better this week, we've had some help from some really nice doctors and nurses that are on her side and making sure that things are happening and moving along and it's definitely making us all feel less overwhelmed by it all. Just having such support and kind words from my online community has made such a difference for me, it's so good to know that people are thinking about you and really care. Xxx

  19. Tanks Denyse. She was taken to Liverpool due to the injuries and the fact they have such a good trauma unit and it was the best unit closest to where she works at Ingleburn. Unfortunately now for the short term C'town Private has been ruled out until she can bear weight on her feet which won't be for another 6 weeks or so. However I spoke with a lovely doctor today who is going to investigate some other possibilities for her and we have a lady from an Injury Service coming to speak with us tomorrow and help us plan what comes next. So things seem to be moving forward a little more this week and it's definitely making me feel better about everything. I know

  20. Cocktails! Cannot wait for next week, I know it is exactly what I need and I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather blow off steam with xxx

  21. Thinking of you Kylie, and praying for your mum. Will add you to my list, as it's such a hard position to be in. xo You are doing a great job. I'm sure your mum appreciates all the time and effort you can put into, likewise the girls! And I'm sure she understands that you need to be there for them as well!
    Hope she can be out of hospital earlier than expected so that you have less to worry about!

  22. Kylie, so sorry to hear of your traumas...both for your mother and yourself. Be kind to yourself and try to think one day at a time. It IS very hard trying to be caring for many. If YOU yourself need support see someone too . X
    Alexa living near Liverpool , Sydney, Australia

  23. Oh darling heart, I'm so sorry you're feeling stuck in the middle and out of your wits with worry and anxiety. My thoughts, love and prayers are your way at this time. These events in our lives really do take a toll. I always say that the people supporting those sick, need support because it leaves an after shock which takes a bit to set in and you can't do everything that is expect, everywhere.
    I hope that your Mum is being cared for and that at this end of the week you're feeling a bit more at ease xx

  24. Oh Kylie, it must be so hard. But you are being such a good daughter and mother. You're doing your absolute best and that is all you can do. I hope things improve soon xx


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