I posted last week about how Laughter is the best medicine, and it really is true. But what's also true is that sometimes you can't always laugh, and sometimes what you need to do is have a good cry. What I need right now is a good cry, and I just haven't got the time to do it.
I'm really struggling with everything that is going on in my life right now. It's hard. What has happened to Mum is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. My entire family are struggling to come to terms with what has happened.
I know in the long-term, big-picture way that things will be ok. That we will get Mum well and eventually, hopefully, things will go back to some kind of new normal.
But in the short-term?
It's really fucking hard.
Last Wednesday I got a message from Mum that I never want to have to see again. All it said was "I need help". I won't go in to detail as I intend on making an official complaint to the hospital, but suffice to say, the treatment that Mum received, or didn't receive as the case may be, was nothing short of professional negligence.
It has left all of us scared to leave Mum alone in the hospital. To leave her by herself. Not knowing if she is being looked after properly is the hardest part at the moment.
Knowing that Mum hasn't had the support she needs and deserves when it comes to mentally and emotionally dealing with the trauma that she has been through has left me feeling physically ill most days.
I am so close to having a full-on anxiety attack for the first time in about 15 years.
I'm torn between wanting to be at the hospital all the time, and needing and wanting to be with the girls. I want to be a good daughter but I also want and need to be a good mother. I can't be 100% with either Mum or the girls and it's breaking my heart.
What Mum is going through, the pain, the suffering, trauma and shock, it's really had to watch. Really fucking hard.
I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. I know my sisters, my brothers-in-law, my Step-Dad, anyone who is close to Mum really, is feeling the same way.
My head knows that we will get through this. We will sort everything out.
My heart is exploding and terrified and can't figure out how any of this is going to be ok. How any of us, especially Mum, will be the same again.
I just want it to stop. I don't want Mum to be in hospital. I don't want her to have to be going through this. I don't want to feel sick and scared and worried every time I leave the hospital. I don't want to be lying awake at night wondering if she is ok, is she being looked after. Can she reach her water? Is she in pain?
I want to be there to hold her hand when she wakes in the middle of the night. I want to be here to hold my girls when they wake in the middle of the night.
I want to be a good daughter. I want to be a good Mum. And it's so hard to do both at the same time.
It's so fucking hard!