Monday Night Musing...on Tuesday Night!
I know, I know, it's Tuesday night. But I had other things to do and not much time to muse last night.
Sometimes when I watch (read: have tv on in the background while on the laptop) American television shows, in particular reality shows, I'm always struck by how 'grown-up' the girls always look. I know they are covered in make-up and expensive designer clothes, but still. They look grown-up. Compared to me anyway.
These girls are 25, 26, 27, my age, but they look like women! I know that sounds weird but it's hard to explain what I mean, other than, they look older than me.
Not that I think I'm lucky enough to look young for my age, I don't, it's just that it's hard to reconcile what a 20-something looks like to how I feel.
I don't feel like a 20-something. I feel like a teenager. Most days I can see how my thoughts and feelings have matured and changed from when I was a teenager, but some days, I just feel the same way I did back then, like I haven't gotten older at all.
I don't want to be a grown-up. I hate having to be responsible for a house and a job and a husband, but then I also love the fact that I am responsible for those things. Why I can't I have all this without the worry? I wish I was magic, and when I left my house it miraculously cleaned itself, my bills got paid and the lawn gets mown. I wish I didn't have to turn up to work every day and deal with the bad aspects, such as shitty customers (as in, customers who are shitty about something, not that the customer is shit), orders that have gone astray, customers who don't seem to want to buy a single thing but insist on keeping their accounts open. I wish I didn't have to go to work every day fullstop. But that's life I spose, and until I discover the fountain of youth or a way to time travel, I suppose I just have to deal with it!
I'm still waiting for the day when I'm going to grow up, start to act like a woman. Not a lady, a woman. I will never be a lady! And I don't feel like a woman. I feel like a girl. Sometimes I wish I was still a (young) girl.
Do you ever feel like that?
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